Camping 101

• Nothing, I repeat, nothing, tastes better than a hot dog, dropped in the fire pit that 100 campers have used before you to burn food, trash, and who knows what else. You must, I repeat, MUST get a hearty covering of ashes from said fire pit to properly condiment-ize your dawg before eating. Steak and lobster? Nah. The entrée du jour is a tube of the finest cuts of leftover meat products, cooked over an open fire until blackened, then dipped in a crust of ashes and charcoal.
• Fun? You haven’t experienced fun until you wake up to find trash strewed all over your campsite. Those sweet little squirrels just knew that you hanging a bag of garbage in a tree really was asking them to use their cute little claws to tear into the bag and place broken eggshells, moist paper towels, sticky syrupy plates and napkins, fragrant Styrofoam meat packaging with precious little buggy-wuggies crawling all over, and mushy little pieces of tomato all over your campsite. Those blessed little creatures just wanted you to have a wonderful morning surprise. They knew you’d need something to do when you woke up. Bless them.
• Sleep tight… Remember, there are bears, psychos, and serial killers in every wooded area. Haven’t you ever watched a horror movie? Campgrounds are like playgrounds for the deranged.
• Beasley’s Law: If you are camping, the weather will be absolutely perfect. 100% of the time. There will be no clouds, rain, storms, lightning, wind, or excessive temperatures to make you run for cover. Or maybe the opposite is true…
• There is an inverse relationship to how much stuff you bring and how bored your kids are on a camping trip. If you bring nothing, they will be bored the whole time. You will hear “Mooooom, there’s nooooothing to doooooo!” every five minutes. Your list of outdoor activities, scavenger hunts, and other cool links will be rejected. If you bring games, bicycles, art supplies, balls, craft activities, plasticcups, glue, and crayons, the same kiddos will play, happily, with a stick and a rock the whole entire camping trip.
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• When RVing, don’t ever check your sewer hose for leaks or pinholes. Remember how hard you laughed at that scene in RV when Robin Williams got drenched in black water? Well, it is so much funnier when it happens to you personally. You needed a shower, right?